E - Nobody told me

She died 4 months ago and nobody told me.  My family is like those you would see in a comedy show except in real life it would be tragic how dysfunctional they are.

Nobody told me.

Granted I was supposed to do a follow-up call to my aunt, to see if she had found my sister, or if she had any news, but I didn't.  Christmas was around the corner, I started my internship and everything piled up.

I didn't call her.

Some guy on FB sent me a message a few days ago, asking if I was related to her.  I said "I'm her sister" with a certain sense of pride.  He then asked if I knew anything about her and I didn't, so I told him I would find out where she might be and let him know.

I would let him know.  But...

I didn't call her.

Today (about 2-3 days since he first contacted me) he sent me a FB message in Spanish that basically said "her son told me she passed away.  Did you know this?"

Then I called.

I was told she was dead.  It happened on November 22, 10 days after my birthday.  Four months and eight days ago.

Nobody told me, but I hadn't called and I didn't let him know.  Fortunately, gratefully and in eternal wisdom, God granted me the opportunity to see her, to apologize for having been judgmental and to thank her for being the one to care for me when our mother moved out.

We became close again, and again, by the infinite grace of God, she joined the internet world and now I can forever have her loving messages, both in writing and her voice and it was soothing to listen to them this afternoon.

I'm not well and I'm not right.  My heart is broken, but at peace at the same time.  My mind keeps traveling back in time, trying to understand how it all broke down, all the way to the beginning, sometime in the 70's...

There's a lot I don't understand, but I have a headache and I want to disappear, I don't want to talk to anybody.  I'm angry.  I want to run away from these feelings.  Hello, my old friend Valium.  Please help me sleep tonight and if it isn't too much to ask, can I see her in my dreams?

Because I didn't call her.