Boy am I having fun (AKA I have nothing else to do atm)

 I’m trying to spell my name out with each entry.  After this one, I only have 2 to go, yay me.

Really, I started my transformation

 My version 3.0 is finally starting!

I’ve signed up for a membership at Metroflex Gym and got me self some body-builder trainers…. It’s so cool and I feel so boujie, I gots my own team — not Glam Team but Transformation Team.  There’s Paul, the owner of the training side, Cassandra, Luna and Luke.  It’s a strange feeling to have these people wait to basically be of service to me, but it’s also nice — and maybe long overdue.

So my transformation will start with only 8 weeks.  That’s when I hope most of the changes will hopefully  happen, although I will probably go longer.  Maybe 12 weeks.  Then I can go it alone and maintain, or so I hope.

BUT

I’m still me and will always be.  Here’s today’s story:

    I trained legs with Cassandra who apparently is the Booty Queen (or Glute Queen in her circles of bodybuilding gods and goddesses) and she made me work SO hard I felt like a horse in training and was sweating like one.  So much so that I looked at my arms and THEY WERE GLISTENING.  I’ve never had my arms sweat before… I didn’t even know they could, like my nails or eyelids.

    Needless to say other parts of me were sweating as well, namely my legs.  

    I had to pee.  So I went to the bathroom and pulled off a seat cover and placed it on the toilet seat.  When I finished I got up and of course the paper stuck to my backside, not a first time occurrence.  But then this happened:  the paper started tearing up a little piece at a time because I was drenched in sweat and it was sooo stuck to my backside.  UGH.  It got so bad that I had to roll the forsaken paper off my skin and at one point I just stopped and started laughing, because it was ridiculous and funny.  I was meant to protect my butt with this flimsy paper I now had to roll off of me. 

    I came out of the bathroom with freshly scrubbed hands and another dumb story that maybe only I find funny, but at the moment I’m all that matters.

Peace out, y’all

and

be ridiculous, 

G

 

I remembered - Recurring Dream #1

 When I was little I had a few recurring dreams and although I don’t remember which came first, the one I remembered today was this one:

    A criminal invading our home with the intent to hurt us.  But in my dreams I was able to talk to the “baddie” (me and only me) and explain to him why he shouldn’t hurt us.  In the end he understood, of course, and became a better person for it.  That got me thinking of how I am today.  Not much has changed, I still like to “make things better” although I see how it can translate to “I’m always right”.

    Again, I’m Tap Dancing In The Grass.  I think I’m doing something for good, but to the world I’m maybe being narcissistic — right?  I just think that the things I value (the way I find happiness and fulfillment) could apply to everyone, and there’s nothing that makes me happier than making others happy… codependent much?  I may be codependent, I may have narcissistic tendencies, but I have good intentions, damnit!!  And I also believe that through life experiences and family placement at birth all happened for a reason.  I mean, the world needs people who care, who like making others happy, although there should be a limit and one should understand boundaries.

    So that’s what I need to work on:  understanding boundaries — mine and other people’s.  I need to know when to stop and control my passion when I think someone needs me.  I need to put my superhero cape away and just be some sort of hero.  At least in my own mind.

I’m happy I’m writing, and I hope I can keep it going.  It’s helpful and sometimes entertaining since in my adult life I developed the ability to laugh at myself, a quality that avoids us when we’re young…

Later, G

E - Nobody told me

She died 4 months ago and nobody told me.  My family is like those you would see in a comedy show except in real life it would be tragic how dysfunctional they are.

Nobody told me.

Granted I was supposed to do a follow-up call to my aunt, to see if she had found my sister, or if she had any news, but I didn't.  Christmas was around the corner, I started my internship and everything piled up.

I didn't call her.

Some guy on FB sent me a message a few days ago, asking if I was related to her.  I said "I'm her sister" with a certain sense of pride.  He then asked if I knew anything about her and I didn't, so I told him I would find out where she might be and let him know.

I would let him know.  But...

I didn't call her.

Today (about 2-3 days since he first contacted me) he sent me a FB message in Spanish that basically said "her son told me she passed away.  Did you know this?"

Then I called.

I was told she was dead.  It happened on November 22, 10 days after my birthday.  Four months and eight days ago.

Nobody told me, but I hadn't called and I didn't let him know.  Fortunately, gratefully and in eternal wisdom, God granted me the opportunity to see her, to apologize for having been judgmental and to thank her for being the one to care for me when our mother moved out.

We became close again, and again, by the infinite grace of God, she joined the internet world and now I can forever have her loving messages, both in writing and her voice and it was soothing to listen to them this afternoon.

I'm not well and I'm not right.  My heart is broken, but at peace at the same time.  My mind keeps traveling back in time, trying to understand how it all broke down, all the way to the beginning, sometime in the 70's...

There's a lot I don't understand, but I have a headache and I want to disappear, I don't want to talk to anybody.  I'm angry.  I want to run away from these feelings.  Hello, my old friend Valium.  Please help me sleep tonight and if it isn't too much to ask, can I see her in my dreams?

Because I didn't call her.

Le day 3

I am writing to get used to the idea of writing again.  More than that, I want to have writing on my mind as I go through the day, so I can make mental notes instead of letting fleeting thoughts go into the atmosphere, without tethering them to an experience.

A continuation post that didn’t continue

A - I woke up inspired to write because I discovered something new.  I must share it and from here on out it will be called "101 Life Hacks For Sleeping Alone".

Number 1:
Cover yourself with your sheets up to your neck.  Hold down the front of your sheets so that they do not move and there are no open gaps.   While doing so, lift up one of your legs slowly and bring it back down.  See?  Now it feels like someone breathing down your neck.

This trick may be used in two ways:  1) Pretending you are sleeping with Jason Momoa who likes to cuddle in the morning, or 2) to remember how much you hate cuddling while sleeping, and how no matter how big your king size bed is, it's better shared with your 4 dogs.

You're welcome.

Day 2

This is what I saw on my way home tonight from the grocery store.  It's a beautifully eerie, spooky kind of view, but had anyone else been there they would have felt the warmth of it.  Hard to explain.

Today we spent most of the earlier part of the day at the Melrose & Fairfax Flea Market (or whatever it's called) and it is the MOST OVERPRICED FLEA MARKET I've ever been to.  Seriously.  There was very used clothing selling for the same price you would probably find it in a store.  Oh, and a Siouxie and the Banshees t-shirt with the sleeves cut off and a dingy shade of I-sweated-in-it-oh-so-much white that they were asking $25 for.  To show what it sort of looked like when we first got there, here is a slightly depressing pic:

The rest was actually a lot more picturesque, but none the cheaper.  We did, however, buy a few things but the best part was that they had an Argentine food stand...  Woo-hoo!  It made the whole experience so much better...  and getting to spend time with the kids was the best part.

So we didn't go home with any bargains, only with artsy things we could have made at home if we had the time to search, rescue and restore, so paying $35 for a couple of 2'x3' frames was logically sound.

That was my day.